Tuesday Movie Reviews

The Back-Up Plan
Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Loughlin, Michaela Watkins, Anthony Anderson, Linda Lavin, Tom Bosley, Robert Klein
Directed by Alan Poul

Jennifer Lopez plays a woman who can't find a man (??) and wants to have a baby. What's a girl to do but get artificially inseminated. That's her back-up plan, get it? As soon as the procedure is done, like 5 minutes later, destiny brings her together with the perfect mate. They fall for each other, she tells him she's pregnant, he balks, and they live happily ever after. I've just told you the movie, no surprises here. What is surprising is how utterly boring the film is. There are a couple of laughs, and I mean a couple, but everything plays out exactly like you'd think. This is colour by numbers people. We've seen this movie a thousand times. The only one like it that was somewhat entertaining was "Knocked Up" because the writer decided to write about real-life situations, not boring fantasy. It was nice to see Linda Lavin (TV's Alice) and Tom Bosley (Mr. C.) again. Actually, I thought Tom Bosley was dead, but what do I know. I was getting bored at the half hour mark and an hour into the film I started counting the hairs in my beard (I stopped at 347).

GRADE: D-

After Life
Starring: Christina Ricci, Liam Neeson, Justin Long, Chandler Canterbury
Directed by Agnieszka Wojtowicz-Vosloo

Ok, here's what I got out of this movie. Liam Neeson is a crazed serial killer who works as a mortician, and Christina Ricci has nice boobs. That's all! I just don't understand why screen writer's have to make things soooo complicated that the audience loses interest. Ricci apparently dies in a car crash. Neeson is the man who is preparing her body for the funeral, only Ricci wakes up and thinks she's still alive. Neeson tells her she's dead, that he has a special "gift" and is able to communicated with dead people to prepare them for the beyond. Ricci doesn't believe him at first, then takes his word for it, then doesn't believe him again. All the while her boyfriend, played by Long, is convinced she's still alive...for no good reason mind you. If that sounds even a little confusing, try watching it. Really the movie is just Neeson being creepy, Ricci walking around naked, and Long over-acting all his scenes. Completely a waste of time...except for Ricci walking around naked, did I mention that already?

GRADE: D-

$5 A Day
Starring: Alessandro Nivola, Christopher Walken, Amanda Peet, Sharon Stone, Dean Cain, Peter Coyote
Directed by Nigel Cole

Nivola plays a health inspector with some secrets. As a result, he loses his job and his girlfriend. He gets an urgent message from his father saying he's dying and needs to see him. His father, Walken, is a con man, so Nivola doesn't believe him at first, but goes anyway. Walken says he's dying of a brain tumor and has to go to Mexico for therapy. With nothing else going for him, Nivola goes along. So begins a road trip down memory lane that brings the two men together after years apart. What I liked about the film was the truth in the dialogue. We have a guy in his thirties who never had a good relationship with his father, and a man just trying to make things right. There are funny moments and highly dramatic ones as well, but the two men play off each other fairly well. Sharon Stone looks as though she had all her skin removed and had tanned leather put back in it's place. I can't believe how hot she used to be...not no more! I liked this movie, probably a little more than I ought to have. I guess I was in the mood. Walken is actually very good.

GRADE: B

The Square
Starring: David Roberts, Claire van der Boom, Joel Edgerton, Anthony Hayes
Directed by Nash Edgerton

This one is the sleeper of the week! A married man is having an affair with a married woman. Her husband has hidden a bag of cash in the house, which she finds. She tries to convince her lover to steal it so they can run off together. He hires someone to do the deed, and that's when things start to fall apart...in a big way. I can't get too much detailed in the story so as not to ruin what happens, but the whole film is very satisfying. It's an Australian "Blood Simple", one of my favourite Coen brothers films. There is a general feeling of doom and gloom, the darkness of the scenes, the monotone background music, everything about the movie makes the viewer know that something terrible is about to happen...and when it does, it's still a shock. Great performances by all, but David Roberts is a huge stand-out. He carries the film on his shoulders and everyone follows him. Great movie that I hope people won't overlook.

GRADE: A-